Breastfeeding Taboo: Sexual Arousal, Orgasm & Negative Feelings
***Before I begin this blog I want to preface it by saying that I understand that in talking about these topics, big feelings are inevitable. It's only natural to hear something you find extreme and immediately feel skeptical, pass judgment, or think that because you don't experience said thing, that there MUST be something wrong with people who do.
I want to urge you to sit with any feelings that arise and then attempt to put yourself in the shoes of the people who are experiencing what I'm discussing today. While it may not change your long term opinions on the subject, it may help you better understand the topic and why we need to be talking about it. ***
It would appear that in an attempt to promote breastfeeding as the optimal method of human milk feeding, our culture has created this idea that good parents breastfeed and they do so happily without complaints.
If parents dislike their breastfeeding relationship, it must be that something is going wrong. That with a little bit more time, support and latch or position changes, breastfeeding will become the most magical experience ever.
That's not the case, and may never be the case, for many families who desire to human milk-feed directly from their breast/chest.
Human milk feeding is much more than a mammary gland event, requiring and affecting many parts of the human body to work. To successfully human milk feed, there must be a "conversation" between the nerves in the breast and the brain, followed by surges and waves of various hormones that must travel to reach the mammary gland tissues.
So we can't talk about breastfeeding without talking about the brain. We can't talk about breastfeeding without talking about hormones. And we can't talk about breastfeeding without noting all of the other tissues that may too get these specific hormones signals as they travel throughout the bloodstream on the way to the breast.
See, a full body experience!
So with that in mind, I want to give a quick overview of situations that may occur that can make breastfeeding highly uncomfortable and not enjoyable. So much so that parents may decide to stop breastfeeding altogether.
Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER)
Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, often referred to as D-MER is a physiological phenomenon that affects thousands of human milk feeding parents daily. It is characterized as having a wave of often intense negative feelings (including sadness, anger, irritability, anxiety, hopelessness, etc.) that occurs during the letdown process. For many people, it happens even outside of breastfeeding. So while many share cute stories of how they have random letdowns when they hear a stranger's baby cry or think back to when their older child was a baby, people who struggle with D-MER are met with all of the negative emotions they might have if they were directly nursing/pumping.
Everyone's experiences are different, and with D-MER this is no exception. Some parents have "mild" D-MER, where their feelings are manageable and get better with time. Others have such intense emotions that ceasing breastfeeding is the best course of action for their wellbeing.
The cause of D-MER is widely accepted to be dopamine-related. Dopamine is one of your brain's neurotransmitters that is responsible for regulating emotional responses. For breastmilk to be made, prolactin levels must rise, and dopamine levels must drop. For those with D-MER, dopamine levels drop too far or too fast, depriving the dopamine receptors found in the pleasure centers of the brain (amygdala, hippocampus, thalamus and the prefrontal cortex) of dopamine, resulting in the wave of negative emotions.
D-MER generally only lasts 30-90 seconds but may happen for as many letdowns that occur in a feeding session. In any case, regardless of it's "mild" or a short lasting wave, this can be distressing to the parent that experiences it.
Dysphoric milk ejection reflex is not a psychological issue, meaning it's not an issue that parents can get over with being more positive and it's not the same as postpartum depression. And while it probably doesn't feel like it to those who are experiencing it, I wanted to start with DMER because it's perhaps the most accepted and understood phenomenon (by breastfeeding support people) that I will cover today.
If you would like more information on D-MER, check out the DMER Website. If you think that you are experiencing DMER and need support, please consider joining the DMER Facebook page.
Sexual Arousal with Breastfeeding
Two things to start: Yes, I know breasts are not sex organs. No, parents who experience sexual arousal with breastfeeding are NOT aroused by their babies, and they are NOT attracted to their babies.
Sexual Arousal during breastfeeding is an INVOLUNTARY bodily response to either the flow of oxytocin, which is needed for milk release, or the actual stimulation of baby sucking. In either case, sexual arousal may present as increased blood flow and a tingling sensation in the genitals which can occur intermittently or sometimes frequently with every feeding.
Once parents realize that arousal is the sensation they are experiencing, many feel intense embarrassment, guilt or shame. These negative feelings can be exacerbated by the fact that parents may have lowered libidos and not desire sex with their partner but yet have these uncontrollable reactions to nursing, which is a non-sexual event. As a result, many deal with this intense "dark secret" alone out of fear that they will be judged.
I understand why. Recently a parent posted in a large breastfeeding group on Facebook expressing her desire to stop breastfeeding due to this physiological response to breastfeeding. There were a plethora of harsh reactions from other parents. The responses on the thread where so negative that the post was shut down and the moderators chose to delete the disrespectful, unsupportive comments.
The reality is that arousal with human milk feeding is not that uncommon. In a study done in 2006, it was found that 82% of young women self-reported nipple stimulation enhanced sexual arousal. That survey examined nipple stimulation during sexual activity, which as we can all agree on, breastfeeding is not. But it makes sense that nipple stimulation in any context that is not painful, combined with the natural hormones released during breastfeeding (which are the same hormones released during sex) could cause sexual arousal to occur involuntarily.
I am not the first to ever talk about sexual arousal and breastfeeding. In 2017 Live About posted a blog titled "Arousal, Orgasm and Breastfeeding" which stated :
"In one study of people who were breastfeeding, 40.5% of the participants reported feeling sexually aroused at some point during infant suckling. 16.7% reported being aroused frequently during breastfeeding. In another paper that reviewed several studies between 33-50% of respondents described breastfeeding as erotic (25% of those responded that way said they felt guilty about it)."
Its nearly impossible to separate breasts, breastfeeding and sexuality in our culture (a blog post for a different day) but for those who are surprised by these experiences and desire them to stop, breastfeeding can be a daily struggle.
Orgasms during breastfeeding
Having an orgasm during or directly after breastfeeding is not a commonly reported occurrence, but for those who experience it, it can be very emotionally and psychologically upsetting. The cause of orgasms during breastfeeding are the same as mentioned above, so there's not much more to add to how it happens. But being biologically normal does nothing to stop any emotional reactions to the phenomenon, and for many, ceasing breastfeeding may seem like the best outcome.
Here's a question submitted to a doc in the Jamaica Gleaner from 2014.
Doctor, I am 28 years old and a wife and mother. But I have to confess something so awful that I cannot believe it is happening. I feel like a very evil person.
A month ago, I gave birth to my first child - a baby boy. My husband and I were both delighted. Naturally, I decided to breastfeed, and I found this very easy.
But then the most terrible thing happened. One day when I was feeding the baby, I had an orgasm. I could not believe it, I thought maybe I had dreamt it.
But the next day, the same thing happened again. I was walking around the bedroom feeding the child, and suddenly, my whole body was racked with a sort of convulsion as I climaxed.
This terrible phenomenon has happened several times since then. I feel I must be the most perverted woman in the world. Am I crazy? And should I give up breastfeeding?
If you want to read the full response by the doctor, you can do so here. I appreciate that his response normalizes the occurrence of orgasm during breastfeeding because as the doctor mentions, it's well known in the medical community. With that said, it's going to take a lot more talking about it for health care providers and parents alike to separate their judgemental feelings to support those experiencing it and promote human milk feeding in situations like these.
History of Sexual Assault
***Trigger Warning***
Sexual assault and rape is a significant problem. It's estimated that 1 in 4 girls will be sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday and 1 in 5 women will be assaulted in their lifetime. (1 in 6 and 1 in 71 boys and men respectively will be assaulted in their lifetime as well). And though not everyone who chooses to human milk-feed will feel the impacts of their trauma, for many parents, navigating breastfeeding as a sexual assault and rape survivor is a challenge.
I can't speak for anybody else whose trauma crept into their breastfeeding relationship, but if you listen closely enough to those who are willing to share their stories, the act of breastfeeding can elicit feelings of fear, panic, or disgust. Survivors of sexual assault can have distorted views of their body and have a strong desire have control of it, which is entirely understandable. The act of breastfeeding or pumping can bring to the surface all the feelings that may still be lurking inside of them, and it's not until the baby is at the breast that the feelings become overwhelming.
For me, I loved breastfeeding. Nothing was triggering about nursing a tiny baby, and I cherished how my body was able to nourish and grow a whole human being. But as she got older and as I set firm nursing boundaries, her way of attempting to force herself upon me and the toddler tantrums that ensued with any denial on my end, really affected our nursing relationship.
I wanted to nurse her till she was four but at 2.5 found myself day weaning in an attempt to manage the strong feelings that came up from feeling forced and coerced into giving my body away. Breastfeeding became triggering in a particular set of circumstances, but that may not be the case for everyone.
So what's the point of this blog?
As human milk feeding supporters and advocates, it's essential that we fully understand the situations that contribute to parents choosing not to breastfeed. The goal should not be to try to persuade or guilt parents into breastfeeding or pumping but instead listen to and support their decisions to not. Some people will want to find alternative human milk feeding methods, and others won't. We must be respectful of both situations and reassure parents that they know what they need for their wellbeing.
Additionally, for those who hate breastfeeding for other reasons not mentioned in this blog, it's okay not to like it. Those who do it and enjoy it aren't getting extra "parenting points" because they fit within this socially constructed idea that parents do it because they like it.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Do you have any personal experiences you want to share regarding your feelings towards breastfeeding?